Quotes & Jokes by Buddy Hackett


I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!

A guy said to me, “There’s only 10 snow geese left in the world.”<br /> I said, “One shits on my car, there’ll be 9.”

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."

The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.