Quotes & Jokes by David Cross

98 quotes

Here's a little what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta... They had this ill-fated thing called 'Light Up Atlanta'. So, I'm standing in line... I tap the guy in front of me and say, "Uh, excuse me, can you tell me if this is the line for the beer, or the line to get the tickets to get the beer.' 'I dunno, faggot.' I don't know, faggot? What? What did I do? Was it because I was sucking his cock at the time?

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

So I was watching all the Katrina coverage and I got really angry at... Christians who didn't pray hard enough... It's their fucking fault. First off, they needed to pray against the people that were praying for Katrina to hit, because New Orleans is a den of sin and iniquity; an area where gay people dance! But now they have to pray double, and if they had just put that little effort up front, we could've avoided all of this. I think it's time we take a lesson from history, and return to human sacrifice.

Rickey Henderson, pick up the phone, man, it's me... you.

I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: yes.

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...

If someone gives you a kazoo and toots around the house to MTV, they're not gonna fuck you.

And the Pope is infallible. We're taught that. Pope can't make a mistake. So I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic Church's money on 17 black.' '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!' That way they could pay off those debts they owe.

I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.