Quotes & Jokes by Doug Benson
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.
I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.
I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.
If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.
A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’
The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.