Quotes & Jokes by Doug Benson
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.
I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.
I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.
A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’