Quotes & Jokes by Doug Benson


I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.

I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.

If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.

Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!

If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, "I’m getting too old for this shit."

I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.

My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture - two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'

The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.