Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff

307 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.

'Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.