Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff

307 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'

First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"

Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.