Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff

307 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Ladies, you can do porn, or you can be someone who isn't summarily dismissed as a psychopath, but you can't do both.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

'Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.