Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.