Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin
Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter.
The upper class: keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class: pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class.
I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?
You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.
Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".
Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.