Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 2


Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

I hate thin people; "Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?"