Quotes & Jokes by Redd Foxx

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”

Fred was a funny kid, and I got a lot of humor from him. For a while, we were in a Catholic school up in Milwaukee, and Fred used to get laughs pulling an electric iron around the floor, like dragging a dog on a leash. Every day he had a new thing going with the iron. Fred was a great ball player too. He tried out with the Chicago White Sox, but that was years before Jackie Robinson made the break, and he was too early.

I'm going to get my bud-nipper and start nipping some bud!

I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

You see, I can’t, on account of my Arthritis.

The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips!

It’s some chopped liver. That’s Jewish soul food.

I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.

I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.