Quotes & Jokes by Wanda Sykes
To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I’m Secretary of State next month!"
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
They never want to hang out with us. You're like, 'Come on y'all, let's go hang out.' They're like, 'No, you know, we can't hang out. You know, we're going to stay here with the kids tonight. Yeah, you know, they're a lot of work, but they're worth it. Maybe next week we can go hang out or something - What? Oh, you're going on vacation next week. Well isn't that nice? That's just nice. Where you going, where you going? Jamaica! Wooo! Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, you know, we started to go last year, but Bobby needed braces. Yeah - Bobby, smile and show them Jamaica, baby, go ahead - see? We're right on the beach.'
I'm here today because I hated everything else.
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'
I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists - Gloria Steinem's sitting right up front. So, I walk out there, and I'm like, 'Hey look, I can't stay here too long with you broads because I got to get home and cook my man a nice hot dinner.'
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.