Quotes & Jokes by Wanda Sykes

99 quotes

I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'

They never want to hang out with us. You're like, 'Come on y'all, let's go hang out.' They're like, 'No, you know, we can't hang out. You know, we're going to stay here with the kids tonight. Yeah, you know, they're a lot of work, but they're worth it. Maybe next week we can go hang out or something - What? Oh, you're going on vacation next week. Well isn't that nice? That's just nice. Where you going, where you going? Jamaica! Wooo! Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, you know, we started to go last year, but Bobby needed braces. Yeah - Bobby, smile and show them Jamaica, baby, go ahead - see? We're right on the beach.'

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I’m Secretary of State next month!"

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.

For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'

Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.

He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'

One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.