Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 116
I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.
Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
Obviously the audience has veto power signified by whether they laugh or not, but you-not them-retain the ultimate power to decide what they’re going to get the opportunity to laugh at.
I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
Comedy today is definitely skewed to the filthy side, but it’s not as hard today as I am more mature as a comedian and a person. I’m a grown up now doing a kid’s job. Being a more mature Christian these days makes it easier than when I first started. Now I get to do shows of my choosing and a lot of folks attending the shows know my work and expect a clean show.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.