Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 117
If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.
This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.
Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.
If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
I’m Jewish… We’re a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, "It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution." "Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!"
You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?
He immigrated to America, moved us all to east L. A. where all the Mexicans treated us like crap; because they would say, and I quote, 'Eh, you're from farther.'
I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.