Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 117

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet – backwards. "Well, shit, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it."

I'm gonna get famous. Then when my career starts to flag, I'm gonna go into a three month fucking bender, OK? Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People magazine, and go Sorry! I fucked up!

This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, “Don’t come in my mouth.” I go, “Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.”

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!

We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"

How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.