Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
Comedy today is definitely skewed to the filthy side, but it’s not as hard today as I am more mature as a comedian and a person. I’m a grown up now doing a kid’s job. Being a more mature Christian these days makes it easier than when I first started. Now I get to do shows of my choosing and a lot of folks attending the shows know my work and expect a clean show.
I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.
It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"