Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, "It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution." "Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!"
And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”
If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
The God's honest truth is that I'm probably funnier, but he's smarter. Here's the thing about Stern - he's really a smart guy. He's nutty. He's outrageous. He's all those things, but he's also a very smart guy.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!
Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.