Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 118
The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.
Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
We grew to know the meaning of love. That is what allowed me and my family to stay close together.
We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'
Stan Musial, who said, "Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal." Never got a dinner!
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole show. The colorful circus and the clowns and the elephants, for all intents and purposes, are gone, and we're dealing only with the freaks.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.
Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"