Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”

I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle.

Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.

The only time Chevy Chase has a funny bone in his body is when I fuck him in the ass.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.

If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.