Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.

There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.

Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”

I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence.