Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 155
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.
That was part of the whole original concept. We were thinking, it's off-season, let's do a really fun, local-oriented event, raise money for good causes and bring some music to the valley.
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.
Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
The first job I had was at Burger King. I didn't want to call it Burger King, so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, "Where do you work," I was like, "I work down at the BK Lounge. I'm a bouncer." "Can we get in?" "Not without coups."
I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.
I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.
Let's get in a cab. I'll buy you a kebab. Now I can't believe I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. With a kebab.
The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience. There's nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up - because that's all you.