Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 155

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...

Somebody put something in his mouth. My zipper's stuck.

I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!