Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 155
White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.
If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.
Y'all can relax about that Osama bin Laden shit coz I'm a handle the shit myself. Coz I can't understand how they can't find the motherfucker, six foot six with a nappy beard and a towel on his head, while they can find my cousin four foot eleven in Compton. Nigga worth half a billion dollars, just look for the cave with the satellite hook up, if there's a Rolls Royce parked in front of the cave, nigga probably in there. You walk in and there's velvet paintings of Saddam Hussein, I think the nigga in there, I mean who do they got looking for this guy Colon Powell?
Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.