Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 163

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

Can’t have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. “The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean.” Really? You’d think someone would have caught that!

I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead - just play with this - if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world - and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded - we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.