Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 163
Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air to make them rosy cheeked. To make them look like youth hostellers... Hello I'm a youth hosteller, I have the anorak and I look like an apple. And do you know what my philosophy is? A strangers just a friend I don't know yet. Hahaha... Fuck Off! Ohhh is that your attitude? So we went to Aberdeen and we lived in school rooms and in Dormitories with all those army beds and we masturbated our brains out for two weeks. That's where wanking got it's name, it's those army beds, that's the noise they make. Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank. You can travel the world over... You'll never find a bed that goes Mmmasturbate.... Mmmmmmasturbate. So in Scotland we have beds that go Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! And dogs that go Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Very sexy country.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on the Flintstones!
If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.
So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Donald Trump’s mother, who said, "Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! " Never got a dinner!
Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.