Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 163

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

My wife's cool. You guys would like her. She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.

If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!

Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.

Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!