Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.
Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.
I think it go serious in college when I found out I really enjoyed making people laugh. It makes me happy. I said, "I wanna be a comedian, I wanna get good.' You're not good in the beginning. You're still trying to figure out what the things are that you are going to talk about, what your angle is going to be and there's a lot of trial and error. I just never gave up and that was the beginning of my career. Just experimenting, trying it out and falling in love with it.