Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?

I am completely and utterly hooked to all the great shows on A&E and Court TV that are about small town murder. These shows like "Forensic Files", "City Confidential", I just can't get enough of them. It's always the same sort of deal. You know that they interview the actual people that lived through the experience. I miss Paul Winfield as the host of "City Confidential", may he rest in peace.

Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.

Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.

I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

I learned that money's not happiness. The more famous I am and the more money I make, the closer I stay to my family and friends that I've known since junior high school. True happiness to me is the connection with fellow human beings I've known for a long time.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.