Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.

The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

Ain't nobody get fired, they went in another direction.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.