Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242

James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.

Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."

I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

Into the mud, scum queen!

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.