Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 248

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.

Into the mud, scum queen!

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!