Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

If a man calls me a nigger, he is calling me something I am not. The nigger exists only in his own mind; therefore his mind is the nigger. I must feel sorry for such a man.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"