Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 365

I don’t believe in premature ejaculation. If I come, it was right on time.

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!

What were you thinking right before you hit the ground, Evel? What were you thinking?' I remember thinking: 'Hey, did I turn off the iron?' Then, my leg cracked in half. Then I was thinking: 'Hey, maybe I should get a puppy?'

My kids have a competitive drive I never had growing up.

You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... husband!

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.

Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?

Would you buy a second-hand car from this man.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

Why don't they put bears in Tampax commercials?

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the "Rich Man, Poor Man" thing.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.