Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 365

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

Four years working in clubs - that's what really made it for me - every night: doing it, doing it, doing it, getting bored and doing different ways, no pressure on you, and all the other comedians are drunken bums who don't show up, so I could try anything.

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

For me, this was all or nothing. I left no room for anything else. That goal was just for my own push, my own self-esteem. The fear of not being a success in my life made me push even harder.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.