Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.

One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.

I can't vouch for this film, in all honesty.

My whole act is off the top of my head.