Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!

I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart."

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!

Its too hot for a penguin out here come here mister penguin.

I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan.

Will god punish them or will he leave it to the correct of authorities?

Would you buy a second-hand car from this man.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.