Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.