Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 367
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.
In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
Cause he's driving 200 miles an hour & he don't have the luxury having his wife sitting right there telling him how to drive.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.
Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.
Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know... but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.