Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 367
I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.