Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 379
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
I don't know why I try to talk about politics publicly when I have no idea what I'm talking about. I feel like I should be auditioning for 'The View.'
Telling me to relax or smile when I’m angry is like bringing a birthday cake into an ape sanctuary. You’re just asking to get your nose and genitals bitten off.
I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.
I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my own voicemails.
George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!