Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 379
Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.
I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.
Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.'
Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.
Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.
She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge Oh-No-No! She also doesn't care about Blu-ray?!
Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.
Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."