Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 390

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.