Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 390

Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.

Good evening, I am The Proclaimers.

"Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram" on the side, they're after your ass.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

When I was a kid, I wanted to walk with my dad's limp - my dad was my hero - but that infuriated him, and he would make me walk back and forth in the living room until I walked without it.

I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.

I'm so disgusted by feeling disgusted I've decided to accept it.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.