Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 390
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I think the best music videos are the ones that have nothing to do with the song. Those are all my favorites.
I tend to go against the grain because when I start to see that everybody's trying to shock, I try not to. I just do stuff that's subtler, more emotional, and I think that shocks people.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.
It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘That’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'