Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 389

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.

Economy is essential to all good art.

People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that's not dangerous for them. There's a lot of poisonous stuff that they're putting in a lot of that food, those by-products.

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.

We were going to do it before the hurricane, but decided to wait.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

A politician is a person skilled in the art of compromise. Usually an elected official who has compromised to get nominated, compromised to get elected, and compromised repeatedly to stay in office.

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"

I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.

Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.