Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394
Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'
I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do.
There are certain parts of a classic nerd’s brain that can destroy that person - obsessing about things to the detriment of everything else in your life. But those are the same tools that you can use to turn everything around.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.
If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.
It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.
A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"