Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what - news flash, guys - a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no - I didn't fucking score!
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.
You can't lie to kids about drugs. They know about drugs. You can't say they're just all bad. They know life is a little more complicated. I have never done heroin. I would never recommend heroin, but it hasn't hurt my record collection.
They had this movie called Juno about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and it's nominated for an Oscar. That's an unusual experience for me, 'cause when a black girl gets pregnant it ain't no Oscar. It's social work and a box of condoms is what that is.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.
The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.
You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.