Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.

Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!

I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, fuck it.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.

Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

I don't ever want to be Number One because once you become Number One, you start to change.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.