Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 395
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.
We did it for nine years, No. 1, and the Fox Children's Network moved it into a different direction, of the Power Rangers and other stuff.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!