Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 395
Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn't afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.
I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'
So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”
There are a couple of images I really love in this movie. One is crossing into Pakistan illegally to see a group of guys who ordinarily you'd think would want to kill you, but they want to be stand-up comedians.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.
Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.
Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.