Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 402
I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at? And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we've been through enough...
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I hate the fuckin' gall of these countries, that come to us, a week after the war, and go, "Hey. Can you help us out? Our cities are all fucked up, our highways are destroyed, our economy's shit, the people are wounded, they're outta work..." Yeah, that's basically what we wanted to do to you... And that's what we wouldn't have had to do to you if you'd just pulled your fuckin' troops out of Kuwait, instead of setting those 700 oil wells on fire, and dumpin' oil in the ocean and poisoning the fish. So fuck you; eat your poisoned fish, breathe your black air, and kiss my American ass!
Ultimately, it's the best decision I've ever made in my life. There's an economy of energy that you have in your life. You just have to devote it to things that are good for you, for the most part, that's more constructive than drinking. And one of them doesn't end in uncontrollable vomiting and crying...
You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.