Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 402

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a winner!