Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 403
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said "Yes! Oh God, Yes!"
I hate Sarah Palin in the same way I hate a book by its cover. It's her pandering, Fifties sitcom character persona. It is nothing to do with what she's saying because anything those people are saying is trying to dupe the masses on some level. The fact that a personality like that could be taken as anything other than cartoonish is worrying. Like Bozo the Clown, "It's time we should all vote, kids!" and then people saying, 'You know what, that guys really got something.' It's a fucking clown with floppy shoes and you're taking him seriously?
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.