Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 403
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
I don't ever want to be Number One because once you become Number One, you start to change.
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.
What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.
I think it started when she said she's happier without me. I can't really blame her 'cause I'm happier without me!