Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 404
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.
You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
Take a drink from the water fountain. Water's running nice and brown. Tastes like an iron mine.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
On the Wizard of Oz Lion's lookin' for some courage... Tin Man's lookin' for a heart... ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down the street with a bitch!
I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.