Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 404

That’s what happens when the “Big One” comes. You go to bed fine, then you wake up dead.

I got to be funny, I can't dunk.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.

You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you’re talented.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not".