Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 410

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.

It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say "last husband" because you don't get another one after that.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit... guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get fucked in the ass.

My influences were Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce.

Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'

You think school ends when it ends, but it doesn't.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

We constantly stress defense and that was the difference.