Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 410
The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.
I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.
I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.
I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.
I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.
Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.