Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 410

I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.

We constantly stress defense and that was the difference.

I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.

There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.

I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

My whole act is confession.

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

Some nights it was a melee, literally, where I'd be standing trying to defend myself for what I was doing. People would be screaming at me to do my old act, and getting actually violent and angry at me.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...

A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.