Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 411
Jews don’t daydream. ‘Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt.
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
First I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.
I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.
It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!
Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.