Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 411
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.
It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say "last husband" because you don't get another one after that.
If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos* - ka ching, ka ching, ka ch-ch-ch-ching. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians".
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"
When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.