Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she’s out with her friends and they’re like, ‘Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.’