Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
I want to do movies that I'm proud of where my kids, at some point, can see and I can feel comfortable sitting there watching it with them. And just that move people. That make people feel a little bit better about themselves when they leave the theatre.
Remember: Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery - so no matter what happens in the game, Peyton Manning wins.
We live in a country where Rosa Parks had the courage and conviction to sit down long enough to start a revolution that lead to Al Sharpton screaming racism every time Barry Bonds gets indicted for taking performance enhancing drugs in order to break a home run record set by a black man who didn't even have the benefit of Advil.
I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.
In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.
At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".
Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.