Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
When I was a kid, I wanted to walk with my dad's limp - my dad was my hero - but that infuriated him, and he would make me walk back and forth in the living room until I walked without it.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.
I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'
The one thing an audience always has in common with a comedian is troubles. The Yiddish word for that is tsuris. You're always putting your tsuris on stage whether you like it or not. No one is untroubled, unless they're just, you know, an imbecile.
They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?