Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 422
On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"
I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
I don’t know when did fat became a disease where people feel bad for you. I’m watching Jerry Springer have a 1,000 pound man on… People in the audience, crying, “Oh my God. He’s a 1,000 pounds. What happened?” He ate. You don’t catch 1,000 pounds. Nobody stick you with a dirty needle and give you a 1,000 pounds. You eat.
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.
Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.