Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 422

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

The president is always made fun of.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

Some nights it was a melee, literally, where I'd be standing trying to defend myself for what I was doing. People would be screaming at me to do my old act, and getting actually violent and angry at me.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!

...and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: nuclear fuckin' weapons! Ok?!

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.