Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 423
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
Jamie Masada is paying for comedians, in lieu of paying them well, he’s paying for them to have therapy at the Laugh Factory. I can just imagine the comedians talking to the therapist "I dunno, sometimes the audiences here just seem to suck... It is just me, or does the owner here seem crazy?"
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fucking win that argument.
The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.