Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 435
Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.
It's always cool to meet people who can do things that you have no capacity to do.
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.
My parenting style could be described as not "good cop" or "bad cop" so much as "nervous cop." I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the "take a jacket," "slow down" guy.
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.