Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 435

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

The less food, the more time to talk, the more to talk about.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

When somebody says "I wouldn't change a thing" they're thinking of something they would change.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Are you allowed to smoke eCigarettes without arrogance?

So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

I know 50 done made it cool to get shot, ain't nothing cool about gettin' shot. I've been shot before, ain't shit cool about it. When I got shot, ain't no Music play, ain't no Bitches come out, Nothin'!

I don't believe any particular ethnic group is smarter than any other group.

You might be a redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

The new breed of comics are completely different than what I did.

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”