Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 475
Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.
Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.
I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.
He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.
One thing that teenage girls do a lot that I think is funny is when they go “One thing about me” and then they’ll say something about them that’s some weird thing about them at all. <br /> Like, “One thing about me is that you do not talk crap about my parents.” I’m like, “Really, ‘cause I love it. That’s weird that that’s your thing.”<br /> “One thing about me is that when I’m thirsty I drink water.” <br /> I’m like, “Really, whenever I’m thirsty I dip my balls in my lucky coffee pot.”
I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."
Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.