Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'
There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.
Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.
I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.