Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.

Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Nothing screams “welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress. “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft. Hope you like it.”

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Originality is really important.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

Remember that friend in High School, who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit. One day you find your friend goin' "Hey look, man, I made a bong out of my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it out of this one, go on take a hit!"

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.

A lot of the hate mail I get is clearly misogynist. I am a proud liberal, feminist woman, and the hate mail I get about those three things is not about me. It's about those signifers, and about what the right in this country has managed to do to perpetuate anger over what they mean.