Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 501
We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.
I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.
I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.