Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 501

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.

Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.