Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 500

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

I believe in divine forces and energies.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Wow! Lee, we got a big ass problem.

The man would box so good it'd make your dick hard!

When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

You son of a motherless goat!

Read my lips: No new promises.

The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.

I lost a button hole today.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.