Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 500
You hear entertainers all the time, saying, 'If I couldn't get paid for this, I'd do it for free.' When's the last time you ever heard a business person say, 'If I couldn't get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I'd do it for free'?
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
However, even under the best of circumstances, four-year graduation rates for the next few years will be substantially lower than those in the three provinces.
I didn't need the elf outfit to play an elf; I could just play an elf.
You know, there's nothing more interesting than seeing a bunch of racists become confused and angry at a speech they're not quite certain what he's saying.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
Unfortunately, most college kids these days aren't coming from any place - they seem to ask the same kind of questions over and over again.
I don’t want to be niche… I want to be as big as I can be. This album is not a rap album, I want to make pop. I don’t mean pop like Katy Perry, and I love that, I’ll play that shit at my wedding, but… Peter Gabriel’s pop, Hall & Oates was pop… but I want it to be real.
If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...
The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"