Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 562

The average person has one fallopian tube.

Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night

Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs - you got more broads?" Never got a dinner!

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got a dinner!

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And frothing hot vengeance that will never cease. So no matter the volume of fussing you fuss or the wide angry streams of cussing you cuss, your fate is sealed when in mussing you muss with the nastiest of nasties, the Kenge. Well, Ken Titus.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

I've got a big closet of scripts, and a big stack of scripts on the side of my desk, because you get a whole bunch. Nothing's going to be perfect, and I realize that; but I am a perfectionist, so you go through a lot of stuff.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.