Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 578

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

John Kerry said today that he stands by his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win.

If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?

You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.

You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

I could be talking about cats and someone who’s a cat owner can go, “Hey man, you shouldn’t talk about cats!” and I’m like, “I bet you if your cat was sitting here he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.”