Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 603
A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'
Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.