Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 603
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
I read comic books but I don’t believe in them. Like if somebody said to me, “Hey Myq, who would win in a fight, Thor or Superman?” I’d say, “I don’t know who would would win that fight my friendless friend. But I do know who would win in a fight between you and anyone you went to high school with.”
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it’s an organism that’s half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
I would do a nude scene, sure, if they ever made the movie "Flat Ass Comes to Town!"
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.