Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
Why would somebody worship the devil?... Has the devil paid off for anybody ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they’re like, “Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.”
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".