Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'
There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.
The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.