Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 677

I'm filthy rich! It's good to be Adam Sandler!

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I'm looking forward to yesterday.

I took a tip from your history books, and, the day after election day, I got a truckload of Dr. Pepper and just drove it straight into Boston Harbor. See how you like your favorite beverage being drowned.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'