Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 677

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.

Funny is funny.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.