Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 690
Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
On 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' it takes almost a year to get 10 shows written. It always reminds me of my old yeshiva days, where you used to sit over a piece of Talmud and analyze everything that was going on.
Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.