Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 701

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Is the word brunette used anywhere outside of porn anymore?

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!

We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.

In his defense the alternative was a cinder block. Have you ever punched a cinder block!? Those things are made of… Cinder!

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.