Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 701

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?'

Hollywood's just not funny.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.