Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 702
I looked at game show hosting as the bottom of the totem pole, one step away from infomercials. I never watched them myself. However, it's been a lot of fun. We try out new things and keep a lot of the classic elements people remember. I enjoy getting to know new people and seeing them win.
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.
You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.