Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 702
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.
The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
I looked at game show hosting as the bottom of the totem pole, one step away from infomercials. I never watched them myself. However, it's been a lot of fun. We try out new things and keep a lot of the classic elements people remember. I enjoy getting to know new people and seeing them win.
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.
I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.