Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 73
I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"
As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.
You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.
Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!
I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.