Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 74
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.
Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."
My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, "I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.